i have an eating disorder

I have an eating disorder                                                 
it is not had or did or used to                            
it is present tense

I am Learning
it is learning to love myself

it is learning to let others love me
it is surviving when they don't
it is that I damn well deserve that love

I am Trying
it is trying to listen to my body
it is about ups and downs and all arounds
it is trying to give myself what I need
it is letting others give me what I need
it is trying to recognize needs of others without hurting myself

I am Going Slowly
it is being patient and gentle with myself
it is going through the day hour by hour,
sometimes minute by minute
it is not being everything to everyone not even myself

I am Accepting
it is accepting drugs as a way to heal myself
it is accepting the words depression, anorexia,
bulimia as tools to describe, not label
it is accepting the help and care and fear of others
it is accepting food as a necessity not an enemy

I am Beautiful!
it is beauty irrelevant of size or number or grade

I am Alive
it is fighting to remain that way

I am Pain
it is trying not to hurt myself

I am on a Journey
it is laughing, crying, cartwheeling, eating.
It is o.k.
I am o.k.

--Andrea Smeltzer, 19
© Andrea Smeltzer, 1999. All Rights reserved